What does a healthy relationship actually feel like?
Because sometimes we don’t recognize unhealthy dynamics when we’re standing in the middle of them.
Especially when we’ve been taught that being a “good wife,” “good partner,” or “good woman” means being accommodating.
Keeping the peace.
Giving second chances.
Understanding everyone else’s feelings.
Making excuses.
Staying quiet.
Being the one who bends.
And bending.
And bending.
Until one day you realize you’ve become a version of yourself that you don’t quite recognize.
Love and losing yourself are not the same thing.
A healthy relationship should have room for two people.
Two voices.
Two sets of feelings.
Two people who can disagree without fear.
Two people who can have friendships, interests, opinions, boundaries, and identities outside of the relationship.
Love does not require you to become smaller so someone else can feel bigger.
It does not require you to constantly monitor someone’s mood.
It does not require you to be afraid of what will happen if you say no.
And it certainly does not require you to tolerate intimidation, threats, humiliation, isolation, manipulation, or violence.
Sometimes control doesn’t arrive loudly.
Sometimes it begins quietly.
Why do you need to go there?
I don’t like your friends.
You don’t need to work.
If you really loved me, you would…
You’re too sensitive.
That’s not what happened.
Over time, these things can chip away at your confidence and your sense of reality.
Your boundaries are not a rejection of love.
This one can be especially difficult for women.
We can become so accustomed to taking care of everyone else’s emotional experience that we feel guilty when we take care of our own.
But boundaries aren’t punishments.
They aren’t walls.
They aren’t evidence that you don’t love someone.
A boundary is simply a way of saying:
“This is what I need to feel safe, respected, and emotionally healthy.”
And sometimes, the people around us won’t like our boundaries.
That doesn’t automatically mean the boundary is wrong.
And if your relationship doesn’t feel safe…
Please know that you do not have to figure everything out at once.
You don’t have to make every decision today.
You don’t have to explain your situation perfectly.
And you don’t have to minimize what you’re experiencing because someone else might have it “worse.”
If you are experiencing abuse or fear in your relationship, consider reaching out to a trusted person or a professional who can help you think through your options safely.
If you are in immediate danger, contact emergency services.
There is no shame in needing help.
There is no shame in not knowing what to do next.
And there is no shame in wanting a relationship where you can breathe.
A little October reflection
Ask yourself:
Can I be fully myself in my relationship?
Can I say no?
Can I disagree?
Can I express hurt without being punished for it?
Can I maintain relationships outside of my partnership?
Can I make decisions without fear?
Can I be imperfect and still feel loved?
Healthy love should have room for your whole self.
Not just the convenient parts.
Not just the agreeable parts.
You deserve a relationship where you don’t have to disappear in order to belong.
